[identity profile] kat-lair.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] unmarked_place
Title: A Kiss of Shadows
Author: Mistress Kat / [livejournal.com profile] kat_lair
Pairing/Characters: Gerard/Lindsey, mostly this is Lindsey introspection
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1,031
Warnings/enticements: BDMS context
Disclaimer: See Community Introduction Post

Summary: A character background piece: Lindsey with and without Gerard.

Author notes: No, we haven't abandoned this 'verse. We've just gotten distracted by other fandoms... Anyway, I wanted to write some ficlets. [livejournal.com profile] pushkin666 gave the title as a prompt. Result.

The months after she and Gerard split up are a dark time. The choice to part ways was both of theirs and she knows it was the right one. It doesn’t make the failure of yet another relationship any easier to bear.

When her last partner had walked out, leaving no note, just his collar on the kitchen table, Lindsey had closed her heart. And then... Gerard.

She’d thought him a sub at first, seeing him laughing in the club, his mouth so soft and crooked, his skin the perfect paleness for bruising. And then he’d looked up, eyes dark as coals, and Lindsey had recognised in him not something complimentary, but something augmenting. It had been like looking into a maze of mirrors and seeing herself reflected back hundredfold, each image the same but more.

Gerard is the first person who makes Lindsey think: ‘I would go down on my knees, just to have him’. She does it too. Two hours later they’re stumbling into a playroom in that same club, tearing at each others’ clothes like they’re starved. She pushes him against the wall and blows him, fast and dirty, soaking through her own underwear just from the noises he makes, the shock on his face as he watches her. He returns the favour and Lindsey doesn’t know what she wants most; to keep fucking that beautiful mouth or kiss it bloody.

That first meeting sets the tone for the next few years. They get lost in each other, she and Gerard, and it is good. Fuck, it’s better than that, it’s amazing. There’s more between them than sex of course – shared laughter and shared friends, time spent in quiet and learning each other but the passion never wanes, never burns out.

Not even when everything else turns sour. The breakup is less about their dynamic – though it is a factor, neither of them can be anything but what they are – and more about the fact that as good as they are together, they are also stuck repeating the same pattern over and over again. There is no growth, no future that is in any way different than the past. She and Gerard are on a merry-go-round that’s going nowhere fast.

They jump off and fall hard.

And Lindsey... Well, she just keeps on falling.

Everything is without colour. She goes to the Family clubs but doesn’t dare to play. It doesn’t feel right without Gerard there. She doesn’t feel right, like she got lost and now has to find herself again. And until she does, she isn’t to be trusted.

She tries bottoming; asks a friend to tie her down and hurt her but he stops five minutes into the scene, refusing to continue no matter how much she screams for it and instead lets Lindsey cry herself out on his shoulder. It helps a little.

Work helps too and she buries herself in it, pushing the opening of her LA boutique forward by few weeks just so that she can fill her mind with paperwork and hiring staff and planning the launch party. The fact that the work keeps her on the West coast is a bonus, and the relentless California sun burns away some of the Jersey grey grief that had been clinging to her like cobwebs.

Lindsey sleeps with someone she meets through work; a model of all things. She feels like such a cliché, taking the woman to her bed for a night of thoroughly satisfying and thoroughly vanilla sex. It’s a relief though, just to hold someone, to reassure herself that she can still have that. She could have more if she wanted but she throws away the slip of paper with a phone number her bed mate leaves behind. It’s still too early for that.

The Family’s LA chapter is large and sprawling, spanning three clubs and several smaller groups. Lindsay visits all of them though almost purely on business, promoting her new line of fetish wear during markets and other events. She’s not lacking in offers, either for her merchandise or for other kind of transaction entirely, but it’s only the first kind she accepts readily.

It’s almost six months until she returns to New Jersey. It’s good to see Bob and others, and Lindsey is grateful that they’ve given her the time off Chapter business even though as one of the key supporters of the still fledging club she should’ve been pulling her weight more. Seems like they’ve coped well though; Bob is a capable leader and Patrick’s influence is easily detected behind the scenes too.

Unmarked Place is starting to take shape and it is here, during one of its first Saturday nights as a fully functioning Family club, that Lindsey sees Gerard again.

She was half expecting it, of course, and could have easily avoided the encounter if she’d wanted to. There’s only so long you can run from people you love even if that love turned out to be different from what you’d hoped for. There’s only so long you want to.

It’s almost a déjà vu, seeing Gerard at the bar. His hair is longer but otherwise he looks just like she remembers him, down to the ink stains at his sleeves. He never was one for dressing up unless he was actively on the hunt and planning to scene.

Lindsey waits for the sharp tug of desire, and then for the sharper pain. Both come, but muted like once vibrant colours of a favourite garment; still recognisable and cherished but no longer having the same impact they once did.

She’s by his side without having made the conscious decision to move and he kicks out a barstool for her to sit on and orders a drink with the same instinct born out of habit and care that doesn’t fade even if other things do.

“LynZ,” Gerard says and the familiar nickname makes her smile, the tension at the base of her spine easing away like it was never there. “How are you?”

Lindsey reaches across and squeezes his hand, holds it in both of hers for a long time. And then she tells him.

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Unmarked Place

August 2013


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